Telling it like it is: job application essays

I'm still in the UK, still enjoying a whirlwind of sightseeing with Dr. Awesome, and still squeezing in job hunting during the long boring days while he's at work and my legs are too tired and sore to carry me through even more walking tours. I am, however, getting a little burned out from these essay questions on job applications. I thought I would share some of my brutally honest answers.

1. If you are bilingual, please state the languages you speak and proficiencies.
I speak several languages. I speak parent, principal, administrator, and coworker. In addition, I speak several forms of child, including hungry, sleepy, frustrated, and whiny. All fluent. I also am moderately proficient at teenager, urban foo, and valley girl.

2. Why do you want to work for ___School?
You're one of three accepting applications right now. 

3. As an educator, how do you use assessments to inform your teaching?
I use every lesson to prepare the kids for the state test. Then I get my state test scores back, fear for my job and salary, can't make a difference because my kids that took the test are already in a new grade, and try again with a metaphorical whip on my back and new kids. 

4. How as collaboration impacted your performance?
Mrs. Next Door tells me how I do everything wrong. Mr. Next Door tells me how Mrs. Next Door is getting divorced. Ms. Down the Hall helps me with my weekly block plan and I help her with math and science prep. All four of us tell the principal we are a united grade level team. 

5. Please describe the management system in your classroom and give an example. 
I take away recess. Example: Kid is a terd. I take away recess. Kid is less of of terd.